razorsaw: (Shooting Star Program)
James "Razorsaw" Backes ([personal profile] razorsaw) wrote2010-01-12 12:35 am

(no subject)

... I guess I need to get some things off my chest.

There's been... been two things I've been letting hold me back over the years. A number of things. And... I dunnow. I'm not looking to be psychoanalyzed. This is just my own understanding.

Part of it's always been my reaction to cruelty when I was a child. The kinds of things you see on TV about bullying... it's not like what you see in real life. Bullies are often decent, smart kids who get good grades, don't have any insecurities, and just think being cruel is cool. And all boys... they treat each other badly. Maybe it's a masculine way of preparing yourself for adulthood. I always reacted badly, though. I always recoiled in fear, allowed myself to be a victim... maybe in some ways I brought it upon myself. Maybe somewhere along the line, I started believing in the things they were saying about me. I know my weight gain started around eighth grade. I was always heavy, but... I became even more of one.

Either way... It produced this constantly self doubting mess that I am often. I was often times afraid of showing who I really was, and what I was really thinking. I was never assertive enough to not so much be the person I was, but to be the person I always wanted to be.

And the internet... it allowed me to cast off who I really was. To hide behind a facade, and to explore things that I couldn't in real life. I became one of those people who lied about their history on the internet, used others to form friendships. Relationships. There was someone I grew close to, but someone I liked too. I was in the Sonic fandom - my first fandom - running with a crew of rpers. And I was stupid and made the most blatant gary stu like character of all time. And I would tell all of these people, that one person, fake stories about me and what I was really like, while parading around on alternate identities and making an ass of myself.

I ended up stopping it, and hiding from it. This person... they tried to contact me. But I ignored them. I left without saying anything. I couldn't be truthful about who I really was.

The other thing. Meh. It's no secret by now, as it relates to Dive and something that went down not too long ago. Chances are you know what I'm talking about this by reading it. It involved tensions with someone else, and conflict with a group of people surrounding them. And I've bottled it up, out of fear of offending someone and opening up this huge can of worms that I've supposedly so precariously hidden.

I'm not trying to dredge it up again. But I've lived in fear of how people see me... well, all my god damned life. And in some cases, maybe there are bad things to see. I need to accept this, and move on. But...

Dive. Dive is not that first group of friends that I had when I first found fandom. First found the internet. I am who I am with these people, and I have either strengthened existing friendships or made new ones. Ones that I will cherish forever. That is why I am PROUD, PROUD to call Dive my family, and I always will be. Just as I've met people I will always cherish through Drama Drama Duck, or Jump City Nexus, or the Nexus, even if fate has made us grow apart. And yes, I even cherish the person I've come in conflict with in the past. I'm not naming names, but I'm finally able to say that I forgive him.

And I'm finally able to say... that I'm not feeling guilty anymore. Whatever problems I may have, or my endeavors may have, I will try to correct them, and fight for them. Because I am not what someone says about me. I am not that pathetic person who broke someone's heart.

I am James Backes. I have my own opinions and ways of doing things. I weigh five hundred pounds. I am insecure, and trying to recover from this. I have asperger's. I am also Razorsaw, formerly Raptorscribe, formerly Ixe the Hedgehog. I roleplay a lot of people, and I am not ashamed. I want to be a writer someday. I often bitch about fandom, more than is healthy. I do not need to be psychoanalyzed, I am happy with what I am doing. And I refuse to hold anything back, ESPECIALLY if it affects my performance in life, like it has been doing.

Because I've been holding this back for months. Years. And I need to stay at this stage, where I'm ready to acknowledge what I've done, and to accept myself.

I don't know... I don't know if this is the breakthrough I've needed. But this is something I've needed.

I won't lie. I came close to seriously hurting myself. And I'm disgusted about it. But I think... I think I've escaped that now.

I need my friends now more than ever. But more importantly, I need to know that I'm worth it. And to be strong. And to know I can be strong.

This is my new year's resolution.

This is my new beginning.

And I know I have what it takes.

[identity profile] tacos-of-doom.livejournal.com 2010-01-13 04:35 am (UTC)(link)
We're all human. We all make mistakes, and we all make asses of ourselves from time to time. It takes someone really special to wear their heart on their sleeve, and someone very brave to pour everything out, as you have.

You've always been my big brother, right from the start, and you'll always be my big brother, no matter what happens.

I'm proud of you, big bro. :) And I love you dearly. I'm always proud to call you my family.

[identity profile] razorsaw.livejournal.com 2010-01-13 09:40 am (UTC)(link)
*hugs* Thank you Taco. I'm glad you're proud of me... and I'm glad I can be proud of myself. ^_^

[identity profile] samatethecookie.livejournal.com 2010-01-13 10:13 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm pretty sure we were all asses on the Internet when we were younger, so I understand where you're coming from. As the person above me said, it takes somebody with guts to acknowledge their mistakes and take something good out of it. More importantly, it's difficult to stand up to anxieties and face them head-on.

You're going to be okay. You're strong enough. <3

[identity profile] razorsaw.livejournal.com 2010-01-14 12:29 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah. Part of realizing what I did about all of that... is that back then, I was a child. And I'm not the same person I was at that time.